So, it occurs to me that I have yet to mention my name. My name is Amber. I guess when I started writing it was a narrative so I had no need to refer to myself in the third person. I don’t know if my name will ever be relevant or not, but there it is.

I am working a lot. Which is putting me in a position of feeling tired and irritable which isn’t super common for me, so it’s very uncomfortable. It also makes me second guess my curiosities and decisions and perspectives even more. I know my truth, and I am confident in that truth; but I also realize that the honest truth is not exactly the same as my perspective of it. Why should that matter? It’s the way that people relay their stories all the time. Not sure why I care, and I probably shouldn’t, but second guessing is something that is an innate part of my psyche. I find myself frequently envious of those that can jump into their decisions head first, without sacrificing themselves for the “what ifs”.

Another issue I have when researching and writing this, is that there are people in this story that I don’t want to upset. I have always quieted my voice to some extent or another for these people, even knowing they’d not do the same for me. It’s strange, the dichotomy of people. How we all have different sides of ourselves that can stand in total opposition of another side of ourselves. In this case there is also a group of people that I’ve often considered family, and for some of them I still do; but I also recognize that so many of the things they did to “help me” were based on their own best interests and sometimes that coincided with what I most needed. These people have also caused me more pain and struggle than anyone else in my life, and I understand that happens with “family”, but the story that unfolds shows that their actions go so much farther than those typical family heartbreaks and are downright adversarial and hateful.

I’m still doing my research, although it is slow going with my current work schedule. This is something that I’ve wanted to research for years, though, and I now know that the time will pass either way. Slow going is better than no going. I am also working on structure, obviously this is a story that is intertwined by a couple of different major stories and I want it to make sense and be cohesive. No big deal for an inexperienced writer, right?